Actress and writer.
Born, raised and currently living in Los Angeles.
One day she will find her way out.
Follow Troian on Twitter here.
TOP 10 BEST/WORST
PLACES TO BREAK UP
Because it’s never easy to fall out of love, so let’s really commit… to not committing to each other.
10 — Griffith Park Trail Ride
Take him out and make him feel all masculine and cowboy-like before you hog tie and castrate him. Plus its got stunning views when the sun sets. “Look at all the lights, babe, its like looking at the bottom of the ocean which is why I just can’t do this anymore…” Also a plus, on the ride down your horses will naturally walk one behind the other, avoiding any awkward side-by-side riding. He can stare at you and your horse’s ass or you can be generous and offer to stare at his.
9 — Jumbo’s Clown Room
Break up with him in the parking lot, that way he has the option of going inside for a drink and a dance. It’s just easier for everyone involved.
8 — The Americana
Because no one is ever happy there anyways.
7 — The Grove
It’s even worse than the Americana and more crowded… which makes it less likely for him to cause a scene. Plus you can always run and hide in the tea room of the American Girl Store, everyone is SUPER happy there, just ask the staff…or the dolls. You get the same response.
6 — Dupar’s
Because if you’re really going to be cool about it, do it in a diner after some apple pie. You bitch.
5 — Melrose
I don’t really have a reason for this but I feel like I always see at least two couples breaking up when I go shopping here. I guess used clothing brings up a lot of old baggage… oy vey.
4 — The Hollywood Bowl
Especially when you are seeing classical musicians. You’re cold, tired, probably slightly drunk, but not drunk enough and surrounded by happy old couples throwing their 50-year strong marriages in your face and listening to cultured music that you want desperately to enjoy, but just can’t. It’s like a MASSIVE METAPHOR for your shitty relationship!
3 — The Beach
It’s a long ride there so he’ll probably see it coming. You park, you fight, you cry, it’s beautiful, you try to make up a couple times, end up making out a couple times… walk in the sand holding hands. On the same car ride home… you’ll break up anyway.
2 — The Farmer’s Market
Look around you, girl!!! Beautiful smiling children, locally sourced food, community, support, sunshine, sustainability. If you can walk through that, buy your food for the week, and STILL want to break up… God Speed, poor bastard never had a chance.
1 — Your car, your room, his bed, the bathroom, your bed, his car, the kitchen, the intersection down the street, the restaurant you always go to together, the internet, the late night phone call, the doorway on your way out…
Because there is never one space, or one moment. Break ups are long and messy and suck hard, but it was fun while it lasted….