Vain. Narcissistic. Likes to yell. Bethany’s a real charmer. We’re taking a look into Bethany’s weird world view with our series Bethany’s Brain. It’s gonna be scandalous… 

This week in Bethany’s Brain… 

Dear Diary,

I’m so over Pilates. I know Miley Cyrus looks skinny but she’s what, like twelve? I’m a grown woman, it’s getting serious. I’m way too hot to need surgery or anything, but I need to get into these SoulCycle classes. Everyone says so — Marie Claire, Vanity Fair, models, heiresses. I know it’s crazy expensive but supposedly it’s spiritual too, so it’s like getting skinny AND going to therapy. That’s so me.

To be a good businesswoman you need a lot of qualities: intelligence, fortitude, balls. You also need to look good and appear strong. Supposedly in SoulCycle they yell things like, “Be beautiful inside and out!” while you’re working out. That’s deep. That’s what I need. I need to be beautiful outside mainly, and whatever inside beauty is can come second… What is inside beauty to me? Power, strength, balls, neatness.

I can tell Maggie and Gwen barely work out. Maybe Gwen does yoga — lame. Maggie has that lanky gamer body, plus she’s pale. She’s lucky she doesn’t have an obese gamer body. If she keeps eating those Twizzlers and staring at her phone – I totally know she’s having guy troubles, these girls are so easy to read — she might get obese. Whatever, let’s focus on me.

Who do I have to know to get into one of these freaking SoulCycle classes? Maybe I should bribe someone. I read in Vanity Fair that they make it exclusive so people covet it and pay a shit ton of money for each class. It’s like dating. That’s fucked up, psychologically, but brilliant. I may need to use their tactics to get Maggie and Gwen to work harder. Maybe pretend there’s a promotion or a new position opening. Ha! Totally doing that. It’ll be fun.

OK… who do I need to bribe?

— Bethany 

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