AKA Captain of the Ship, presents our first photo
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In Reality Bites, Janeane Garofalo’s character Vickie had the right idea: “I want first kisses, I want passion the whole way through.”
Generally, I dislike the concept of dating. It seems like so much work to get to the place where you’re able to have a conversation with a few eyebrow raises, or, more specifically, spend 30 minutes driving to the Ace Hotel totally in-sync on the finer points of Billy Ocean’s career. This is what I look for in a prospective partner, but if you’re pacing for a slow, organic reveal instead of a skip-to-the-fourteenth date rush job (courtesy of dating site questionnaires and an over-involved Mom), you’ll pass through a series of firsts. The First Date is going to happen once you get past your crippling social anxiety (is that just me?), so you might as well enjoy the entire experience, including getting ready. Here are ten places to get pretty awesome while your Xanex starts working.
TOP TEN PLACES
TO GO BEFORE A
1 — YOUR BEDROOM:
Get excited. Turn up the Hall & Oates. Don’t break the bed.
2 — RUNYON CANYON:
Take your dog. Veer off the cement to the left and hit the big hill. Think you’re a tough SOB for making
it to the top. Breathe in the entirety that is Los Angeles. Realize this is a very large city. Remind yourself if tonight is a shit show, there are another 7 million people over the age of 18 in LA County. Feel good about math.
3 — SLAUSON DONUT:
All that jumping and hiking? You should probably treat yourself to something healthy.
Like a glazed donut.
4 — TRADER JOES:
You realize you have no toilet paper. Or frozen mini tamales. Or box wine. Grabbing a shopping cart,
you run into Angelyne. Consider buying a t-shirt out of her car to wear tonight. Wonder if her lack of credit card reader is a sign. Make a mental note to buy eyeliner.
5 — GENERAL BARBERSHOP:
With a few hours left before you should commit to a shower, decide on a haircut. At an entirely
new salon. Cruise Melrose and stop where the signage is the best. Let Emzie Ducati do you.
He compliments you on your sandals then asks why you haven’t had a pedicure. Let this man
cut your hair for the first time in 7 months because anyone that can both shame and flatter
you simultaneously deserves your money.
6 — THE NEVER OPEN STORE:
THIS STORE IS NEVER OPEN.
7 — SEXX UNIVERSITY:
On your way to your car, you pass Sexx University and remember you like to learn. As it turns out,
your date is having his photo taken, having procured a certificate naming “Truck” a “Master of
Sexual Administration.” You’re pretty sure your date’s name is Jeff. The sweet owners decide that
it’s just better if they take a couples photo and send you on your way. Realize that if you decide
to stay together, this will be the first photographical evidence of your relationship.
8 — INTERNATIONAL SILKS AND WOOLENS:
Having survived a situation you still are piecing together, you remember your favorite cardigan
is in need of repair. You head to International Silks and Woolens because you want a button
and a notion. You will return for the feather.
9 — MUNKY KING:
You have a thing for zombies.
10 — MOONLIGHT ROLLERWAY:
You get dressed, grab your Riedell Wicked’s and call him for a change of plans. There’s always time for some roll bounce before dinner.