Matt is founder and editor of The Impersonals, an online satire humor collective with content focused on sex, dating and pop culture. Visit them at




1 — Meditate Marathon. If you’re single, and it’s Valentine’s Day, you either need a good distraction or find a way to control your mind. And nothing controls your mind better than the deep breathing, boring yourself to sleep practice of meditation. You’ll wake up and it will be all over.

2 — Masturbate Marathon. Meditation not your thing? Maybe masturbation will make you sing (see what I did there?) Close the blinds, get out your tissues (guys) or vibrators (girls), fire up your wifi (google chrome is best) and prepare for a long night of self-love.

3 — Mayberry R.F.D Marathon. This is sort of a combination of the above 2. Mayberry RFD was an Andy Griffith show from back in the day. Should you not own the complete series on DVD, a Matlock marathon should suffice.

4 — Hang out at Popeye’s Chicken. There is nothing remotely romantic about Popeye’s — it’s a busted version of KFC, if you can imagine that. So grab a few gossip magazines, pick an uncomfortable plastic seat, and settle in for the night (optional: bring a flask).

5 — Stay at work all night. You get into work late and leave early, which makes your boss wonder how much you care about your job (very little). One all-nighter will dispel that notion, and what better night to do it than V-day. Make sure you order delivery to avoid the couple-thick streets.

6 — Take two Zanax and go to bed. This one is the easiest. Just go home and knock yourself out with a couple magic Z’s. Note: DO NOT do this while in the bathtub.

7 — Have an 8 hour call with your mother. How long since you had a marathon conversation with your mom? Usually you’re too busy to field her incessant, prying questions, but now you can get a year’s worth of mom time in one day.

8 — Get back together with an ex for one day. This equals all day sex and meals in bed. Which equals beating Valentine’s Day at its own game.

9 — Fly to Australia. Not only is it summer over there, but it’s also a 24 hour flight, which means you’ll wake up and it’ll be the 15th. Woot!

10 — Don’t wake up. Party the night before till 9 or 10 in the a.m., sleep till 9 p.m. Eat a Trader Joes burrito, wash it down with scotch. Watch a reality show, then back to bed with you!

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