Lauren Weedman is an Alpert Award winning solo theater performer and she is currently touring her 9th solo show NO… YOU SHUT UP. Her book A Woman Trapped in a Woman’s Body was named by Kirkus as a Top 10 Indie book and her story Diary of a Journal Reader was featured in The Best of NonRequired Reading. She was a correspondent on THE DAILY SHOW during the one year they didn’t win an Emmy and she was Horny Patty on HBO’s HUNG.
She lives in a tiny apartment in Santa Monica with her man and her baby. More about Lauren at laurenweedman.com.
TOP TEN WAYS TO GET OUT OF AN
INTERNET DATE IN THE FIRST 20 MINUTES
1 — Pretend you got a cell phone call and you don’t recognize the number. Then walk away to fake answer the phone. Just keep saying “No! No!… Oh my godno!” with the phone to your ear. Then fake hanging up and come running back to him (or her) and tell him that the dogs you’re supposed to be taking care of for a friend have just been spotted running along the 405 towards San Diego. I used this excuse right after a white accountant guy told me that he and his friends like to hang out, smoke cigars and “talk black”. As if “talking black” was a hobby —like collecting model trains.
2 — Every time you put any food or drink in your mouth — wince like you’re in pain. Then keep sticking your finger in your mouth like you’re checking for a sore.
3 — Tell him immediately that you have to reschedule and you feel horrible about it and then go in for a make-out session. Hopefully he’ll pull away but if he doesn’t, kiss him for a second and then pull away and describe the kiss using the most unappealing word you can find, but say it in a happy upbeat tone like “mmmm… BUMPY TONGUE!” or “mmmm… THICK SPIT!”
4 — Just be honest. Walk up to him, give him a quick “hello” hug then burst out sobbing and run out of the bar.
5 — Tell him the worst thing you’ve ever done in your life. Then be a total hypocrite. Tell him how you faked a pregnancy and about the lives your lie destroyed, and then when he is moved by your honesty and shares with you the most shameful secret of his life (no matter what it is) act disgusted and walk out. That sounds kind of mean actually. I just remember that for some reason I told a guy in Laguna Beach how I’d cheated on a boyfriend once and then he told me a story that he claimed to have never told anyone before and he couldn’t BELIEVE he was telling me about how he cheated on his ex-wife on their wedding day. After he told me, I was like you’re a monster… and I excused myself to the bathroom and stayed in there so long that when I finally came out he was gone.
6 — Get all gross and “female”. After he asks you an opening date question like “Was traffic okay getting here?”, respond by telling him how you need to get a giant bloody burger in your belly RIGHT NOW cuz you are about to start your period any moment. If he’s an evolved guy and this sort of talk doesn’t phase him but you still want to escape, pull a tampon out of your purse and act like you’re using it as a pen and are writing down notes about him as he talks. At the exact right moment, widen your eyes and go “Oh man. I’M STARTING” and run to the bathroom. Once in the bathroom leave the door open a crack and scream “I’VE BEEN SHOT! I’VE BEEN SHOT!” then “oh… nevermind. I’m okay.” If he’s still at the table when you get back and asks you if everything is okay tell him he’s a sexist and walk out.
7 — NAUSEA. As soon as you get to the bar or restaurant ask for a trash can “just in case”.
8 — Respond to the date like my midwestern mother, Sharon, would. When I was a teenager, my mother Sharon told me that if she was ever in a situation with a man she wanted to get out of, she’d throw an Alkaselzer in her mouth and feign a seizure, and if that didnt work she’d shit her pants. (This was more for if she was ever attacked in a dark alley but I think it could work in a variety of different situations.)
9 — Feign mental illness. Don’t say anything and let him talk for the first 20 minutes and then shout “I SEE THE DEVIL.”
10 — Be vague yet take action. Let’s say you’ve been “sexting” with a guy and you imagine that you have this amazing connection and then when you appear at his North Hollywood apartment compound, he’s wearing a non-ironic headband and is 10 years and 100 pounds more than you imagined. As you take his two small dogs on a pre-date walk with him, just grab his arm and say to him, gently, “I don’t think we have anything in common. I’m sorry.” and then walk away, and then sit in your car afterwards and cry about how lonely and desperate and bizarre everyone seems, including yourself. I totally just made this one up. I SWEAR.